Rain

Vodka
Purchase Price: Generally $16-20
Place of Purchase: Never Purchased
Rating: 5.0

I hear a lot of chirping about how vodka’s infamous “neutral taste” makes it impossible for a truly "bad" vodka to exist, but I must disagree and hold (at arm’s length) a bottle of Rain up as evidence. I first had the displeasure of sampling this at an art opening on the LES that caused me to say a lot of disparaging things about it in a loud tone of voice—rather ungentlemanly behavior on the part of a guest, but drinking is at least as serious a business as art, don’t you think? I was hoping never to see it again, but only scant months later I was at a party somewhere in Tribeca where there were about six bottles of Rain arranged about the kitchen counter and honestly, no alternative in sight, not even a cheap bottle of wine! I tried to choke down a plastic cup full, even adding some fruit juice to it, but there was no escaping the slightly sickening, throat-constricting feeling this vodka produces. So it was down the stairs for a six-pack of micro-brewed beer. Rain really is a must to avoid.

Siku

Vodka
Purchase Price: $20
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 7.9

This is supposedly made with water from glaciers—I don't know what they're gong to resort to when the glaciers are all gone in about 18 months, but that is Siku’s Master Distiller’s problem, not mine. In any case, for a spirit touting such a majestic pedigree, this is pretty underwhelming. I don’t know if I was expecting it to drink ice cold even after being stored at room temperature or to be flavored with a slight infusion of Gatorade “Arctic Ice”, or what, but in the end it really seemed like “just another” vodka--there’s thousands of them now, all trying to outdo one another in packaging and gimmickry in order to grab the attention of a rapidly fatiguing consumer base. You’ve heard the phrase “miles of aisles” well, that’s what most vodka sections look like these days. Siku’s bottle is fairly normal in shape but it has a fetching blue-green tinge to it that makes it look slightly extraterrestrial. The vodka itself, though, is decidedly earthbound.

Sobieski

Vodka
Purchase Price: $9
Place of Purchase: Joe Canal's - Rio Grande, NJ
Rating: 8.0

Purchasing a bottle of vodka you’ve never heard of for $9 at a self-described "mega-store" in New Jersey is always going to be a potentially disastrous acquisition. But Sobieski had three things going for it that nudged me into pulling the trigger. One, it’s Polish (they rarely misstep in this category) two, it’s distilled from rye, (just like one of my favorites Belvedere, also from Poland) and three, it shares a name with LeeLee Sobieski (who is quite fetching and probably should be doing some advertising work for this brand—think of the synergy!). Well, for once, my instincts steered me right, Sobieski is a decent vodka, not exactly something you'd serve the Czar if he dropped by, but it most certainly lacks the anti-freeze burn of some of the other vodkas being peddled at this price point. It is a genuine economic bargain in these troubled times. Unscrew a bottle while the movers empty out your foreclosed house!

Skyy

Vodka
Purchase Price: $16
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 5.0

America did quite well in the Summer Olympics but in the vodka stakes they keep offering up hapless losers. This stuff has some nasty edges to it that are on par with putting your tongue on a cold metal ice cube tray. And then moving it around. It's a shame because the bottle is a pleasant shade of blue. I still remember the anger and outrage I felt when an old roommate of mine replaced a bottle of Stoly she had stolen and consumed during a weekend cocaine binge with a bottle of Skyy. It was not an even trade. True story: I used to work with a guy whose psychological problems led him down a path that ended up with him being a "Financial Slave" to a girl he met on Craigslist. Part of their agreement had him purchasing cases of Louis Roederer Champagne that she then bathed her feet in. I would have suggested using Skyy vodka instead--it seems like the perfect solvent for cleansing bunions and corns begrimed by a long day of flouncing around Soho in designer flip-flops. Yuk!

Belvedere

Vodka
Purchase Price: $30
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 8.5

Here's another great drink with an ad campaign I can't say I'm very fond of. Vincent Gallo is a funny man who will make exactly one great film in his lifetime (and he's already made it--poor thing, and no, it's not the one with "Bunny" in the title) and he looks great for three seconds in that Jay-Z "99 Problems" video, but why should anyone on earth trust his opinions on super-premium vodkas? He can't even wash or cut his hair properly. Maybe I'll consult Harmony Korine next time I need some advice on rare, collectible cognacs. Yeah, right. In any case, it's a shame this Polish distiller feels compelled to align themselves with the likes of Vinnie boy, because Belvedere is truly a delightful vodka. I've managed to discover some grapiness and even a bit of peppermint in its formidable taste profile. Who knows what you might find, vodka is, after all, the blankest canvas onto which we can project tastes and flavors both real and imagined. All I know is that this is a top five vodka for me, a pretty good showing since I've literally tried about 80 different brands over the last couple years.

Tito's Handmade

Vodka
Purchase Price: $16
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 7.9

Vodka distilled in Texas. Well, I remember getting stares of disbelief in response to this fact when I doled out glasses of this to some friends one time, and I always wondered why that fact seemed so crazy to people--I mean it's not a three-headed turtle or Gorgon or something. Actually, on second thought, Tito's is comparable to those rare and wondrous creatures because at this moment in time, it is the only domestically-distilled vodka I've ever liked! So maybe it actually deserves all the little prizes and medals and doo-hickeys it supposed to have won. And as for this "handmade" business, just what exactly do the distillery employees in Russia and Poland use to produce their respective vodkas? Tentacles? Antlers? Prosthetic hooks? Anyway, if you're the kind of consumer who strives to buy as many "Made in the USA" products as possible, this is the vodka for you. From the state that brought us Anna Nicole Smith before "they" murdered her.

Three Olives

Vodka
Purchase Price: $20 (1.75 liter)
Place of Purchase: Crossroads - New York, NY
Rating: 7.2

And much like any given member of their national football side is wont to do, England skies this strike up into Row Z. Three Olives is pretty dire. Vodka’s a neutral enough entity that it’s pretty hard to ruin. Okay, not that hard, various American distillers have been doing it for years, but Tres Aceitunas
have produced a right cock-up here. The off-putting metal-spoonful of Metamucil aftertaste reminds me of my all-time least favorite vodka, Rain. It’s a memory I’d rather not have revisited. Three Olives have been pushing to break into the youth market with a lot of gusto and “sexy” marketing, but I don’t think the kids are buying into it. This bodes well for our country’s future.

Danzka

Vodka
Purchase Price: $13
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 8.2

You talk about Space Age packaging--seriously, the brushed aluminum bottle Danzka utilizes not only looks like it belongs on a space capsule, but it could even be a space capsule, if you, er, blew it up to 1,000 times it’s normal size using some kind of Matter Expansion Machine. The Danes have seemingly perfected the art of churning out affordable and great-tasting vodka--both Fris and this stuff are real revelations. And wonder of wonders, they both score the exact same 8.2 on the “That Drinking Feeling” scale of achievement. Sweden should take some notes because they are coming up short with their bargain-priced offerings like Svedka and Svensk, neither of which come within a ten-foot icicle of this.

Georgievskaya

Vodka
Purchase Price: $12
Place of Purchase: Gotham Wine and Spirits - New York, NY
Rating: 8.0

This well-nigh unpronounceable vodka comes packaged complete with an onion dome cap and it really is a more than decent vodka. In fact, I was mentally and physically prepared to buy another bottle at the low price of $11.99 when I noticed the one bottle they had left had a bunch of strange-looking sediment at the bottom. I don't know what it was, but it resembled shredded Kleenex. My hand immediately moved over to the Kutskova fortuitously placed a couple bottles over. Sometimes things are a genuine bargain and sometimes things are "priced to go" for a reason. A horrifying reason. UPDATE: Two months later, the bottle is still there and it’s now been reduced to $8.99 and put on a different shelf with other “Close-out” specials. Sooner or later someone on a budget and with ready access to a strainer will snap it up.

Pan Tadeusz

Vodka
Purchase Price: $18
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 8.0

This vodka wasn't named by accident. Pan Tadeusz is an epic poem of Poland and incredibly enough, this vodka is distilled in Poland. The lettering on this frosted bottle of vodka is an exact reproduction of the frontspiece on the first edition publication of the poem from 1834. What's inside? Well, this is yet another one of those easy to drink vodkas you can usually find for under 20 dollars a pop. A facilitator you can share with family and friends alike. I think there are now officially 3,240 different kinds of vodka being sold in the United States. That’s more vodkas than Rod Carew had hits! Even more amazing was that in 1980 there were exactly 3 different brands of vodka being sold in the U.S.: Stolichnya, Absolut and Finlandia. The explosion in this category has been truly astonishing—a real tyranny of choice for 21st-century imbibers! In any case, this one is worth your time.

UV

Vodka
Purchase Price: $13
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 7.8

The logo and even quite possibly the name of this vodka appear to be squarely aimed at young binge drinkers looking for something hip (and not quite so expensive as the super-premiums) to sip while standing in front of a bar backlit with a really sensuous blue light with modern-day Emo songs wailing away in the background. A quick spin around the UV website confirms this. It comes in something like ten different flavors, each with its own garish color. Pop Art vodka! I opted for the plain “see-through” iteration and it really wasn’t that bad. This budget vodka would rather not be consumed by anyone over 30 so check your ID before purchasing.

Effen

Vodka
Purchase Price: $25
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 8.3

An Effen big surprise. Another winner from Holland. It's got a fairly transparent taste but still some lush grapes in there, too, which isn’t to say it is grape-flavored! I have a difficult time describing vodka sometimes but I know what I like and this one is near the top. The distillers have also been kind enough to wrap the middle of each bottle in a rubber sleeve so you can literally sway, rock and stumble about town with this in your mitt and never worry about dropping the bottle and shattering it against the cruel and unyielding pavement. It’s that kind of customer care that will take you straight to the top of the JDPower listings. If only they made such things for the human cranium!

Absolut Level

Vodka
Purchase Price: $20
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 8.5

This just may be my favorite vodka and that's saying something because I think “normal” or “original” Absolut is syrupy rubbish. Level is clean as the proverbial whistle, crisp as Foxy lettuce and I honestly think I could drink a whole bottle at one sitting and may have even come close to doing so on certain occasions. Recommended as heartily as regular Absolut is marked a must to avoid. I just wonder what they do to this to make it so much of an improvement. It’s as if your neighbor started tinkering with his old Yugo Friday night and had an Aston Martin DB9 sitting in his drive come Saturday morning! Even more incredible are the rumors that the shiny miniature bottle silhouette attached to the front is made of platinum. There’s no way that could be true!

Zyr

Vodka
Purchase Price: $27
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 8.2

Zyr is a worthy addition to the endless explosion of super-premium vodkas going on all around us. But it is pricey and although Zyr's sleek bottle is always going to be a handsome addition to your liquor cabinet, there are still plenty of vodkas giving just as much drinking pleasure for $10 a bottle less. But, if you must have a super-premium, this holds its own against better-known rivals like Belvedere and the always overrated Grey Goose. Plus its name is completely meaningless! I can’t wait to taste this distillery’s Ryt gin or Qbu bourbon. It’s going to be great!

Fris

Vodka
Purchase Price: $14
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 8.2


Fris used to have one of the coolest bottles in the business (pictured). It has since changed to something quite less radical and I don’t know why. The vodka itself is smooth as polished ice but it won’t send you head over heels like polished ice unless you let it. Remember, we should always drink in moderation unless we are in the mood to get drunk. Seriously. One of the best things about Fris is that it is one of the most reasonably priced quality vodkas on the market. This is a potable with a pedigree--I've been told by employees of a Danish book and video store I sometimes frequent that the King of Denmark drinks this on a daily basis. Yes, a real king who rules an entire country. It sounds like the stuff of fairy tales...but it exists today in 2008. As Sarah Purcell might say, That’s Incredible!

Vox

Vodka
Purchase Price: $22
Place of Purchase: Warehouse -New York, NY
Rating: 8.4

One of the all time great bottle shapes (look, it's a little cricket bat!) and some great vodka inside it. Slightly minty, clean like melted snow and before you know it, you're staggering. Also, when you order a "Vox on the rocks" at your local bar, you can, for just a few fleeting seconds, pretend you're Dr. Seuss!!! I’ve seen a close friend drink this stuff until he fell down trying to manhandle another man's wife at an "80's" theme party during a the middle night of a three-day holiday weekend. Later he blamed his reprehensible but quite amusing behavior on the vodka because it was “too smooth.” Of course.

Finlandia

Vodka
Purchase Price: $15
Place of Purchase: Warehouse - New York, NY
Rating: 8.0

Finlandia is one of the first vodkas I remember being a brand name. I always liked the "rocky" texture of the bottle, too, if you were ever blind drunk and needed just one more, there’d be no mistaking which bottle you’d wrapped your paws around. This brand seems to have faded from humanity’s collective consciousness of late, but who can ever forget the run they had in the 80’s when it seemed like every preppie in town spent the winter lounging around in one of Finlandia’s famous knitted sweaters with the red reindeer dashing across the front? Those were wonderful times--to sit in a well-appointed living room dumping a bottle or two of this into the eggnog while Wham’s “Last Christmas” played over and over in the background. This has always been a respectable drink, much better than Absolut and less expensive, too!